Everything new must be known in relation to what has been. Well-discerned use of new energy, thought, motion, and emotion requires low tolerances for physical and interpersonal margins of error.
“Discipline” is the art of careful newness. Repetition and ritual bring as much order to chaos as self-command and restraint, and focused practice reveals to the self exactly what is next to know.
After building a foundation of trust in the first month, it’s time to get to work. February is like that, as a month. Winter has settled in and is threatening to stay a while. The year is already slipping away, and what do we have to show for it? I could take more time to hibernate but if I want this cycle to spiral upward I have to really commit and move with intention. I need discipline.
I’ve never been particularly disciplined. Whether it’s my ravaged attention span or improvised finances, my addictive tendencies and obsessive personality, or just the culture of instant gratification and accelerating consumerism that I was born into, I feel like I’m constantly having to discipline myself just to function. I find giving myself commands a challenge, and genuine consistency a dream.
I suppose that makes sense, considering how much I abhor authority. Maybe I just don’t like having a boss. But our toxic systems of social discipline, coercion, conformity, and dehumanization are so prevalent and powerful I think it’s often right to be suspicious. Most of these remain unquestioned in our day-to-day; it’s easy to develop an aversion to what may otherwise be an important aspect of life.
There are endless supports, medicines, rituals and therapies to focus the undisciplined mind, and I will continue to search for the combination that allows me full access to my potential. I will harness myself for concentrated practice and diligent study. I will make up for the lost time as this project staggers forward.